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I feel so alone and so disgusted with myself

krazydaisy, Female, 35, USA, new rochelle

I want to like myself, but I feel like I should continue to hate myself. I don't think I'm worry of being loved or even liked by other people. I don't think there is anything good about me. Today I wanted to cut myself and show people my scars and say "see I am hurting." But I know I can't. I pretend to be ok around other people. I pretend there is nothing really bothering until I come to my room and look in the mirror and I see the uglyness in myself. I just want to cry. I come online looking for people in chats just to feel wanted. But all I encounter is horny guys. I know looking online for people that actually care or want to talk in chats is virtually impossible. But I can't connect to people in real life. I have very bad social anxiety. I think that no matter how hard I fight I will never get better. I will always be alone. I'll be in the same cycle and never get out this train of thought or behavior. Therapy hasn't helped me, meds only helped a bit with my depression. I wish I never existed at all. I've never been happy, never will be happy and will never be able to trust anyone. Because when I do they always leave. So its better to get rid of them before they can hurt you. See there is no hope for me and I think I will go back to cutting. It made me feel good.

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Comments By Other Users

confusedlad, Male, 35, India, India 29-12-2008
Give time some time.. there are enough ppl in world who do care for girl.. Good luck.. I know if horrible feeling.. but be positive

lostandbroken, Female, 29, United Kingdom, East Anglia 25-3-2007
I feel the same. I tried cutting but I stopped cos I know if someone at school saw it I'd get such a hard time and it would make my life worse. I'm 15 and I've been depressed on and off since the age of 12. I'm never happy for very long because I'm always sad underneath, and so when I'm happy the smallest thing makes me start crying and makes me so angry with whatever spoiled my happiness. I deeply care about all the people who have replied saying they feel the same way. *Hugs to all*

anonymousme, Female, 29, United Kingdom, london 17-3-2007
i feel exactly the same way as you .. you said it better than i could have. iv thoguht about suicide but i know theres more to life and i have been happy sometimes it just never lasts. i hate myself as a person and it feels stupid and attention seeking admitting it to people. i worry too much what other people think and sometimes dont even want to speak. i dont want to be like this forever .. im only 16 but i feell as thoguh theres no point in life.

Dainagirl24, Female, 37, USA, Waycross 3-3-2007
darlin i can honestly fel ur hurt, but one things for sure, cutting doesnt help. i love life n the joys of watching the clouds and water running and i really enjoy my sex life most of all. i'm a sex addict but if i dont fuck someone i dont get all depressed n cut myself. i've ben raped twice,once by 7 mexicans in a tobacco field after my car broke near them and that left me where i cant have kids now. my parents died wen i was 5 and was raised by my grandparents. i married at 19 and divorced 6 months later at age 19 still. the second rape was october of 2006 where i was drugged n repeatedly raped for almost 2 days which i ended up in the hospital with cracked ribs n bruising. i healed up and i still love sex and dancing and just enjoying life. i just refuse to let the bad get me down. i'm not sitting around waiting for life to get better. i'm making it better for me. i'd love to chat sometime. daina

shysub, Female, 52, USA, wausau 27-2-2007
Please don't feel that way. I am sure if we were to chat you would find that you're really ok. Trust me.

dsi, Female, 36, USA, Christiansted 24-2-2007
I would like to contact you. Is that possible? I feel the same way.

smokalot, Male, 38, Canada, novar 24-1-2007
when I'm depressed i usually smoke weed...can't say it will work for everyone, but never cut yourself, it won't help, try and stay positive

smokalot, Male, 38, Canada, novar 24-1-2007
Hi, I know what its like to be lonely and depressed. You can't let life bring you down, eventually you will find something or someone that will make you happy. Please don't cut yourself it won't help, try and express your feelings thru art or something. You may be lonely but don't trade that feeling for something worse. Never let anyone bring you down or take advantage of you, because you are depressed, you are just as important as thr rest of us. its hard but you must push on positively crazydaisy

amam25, Female, 36, Ireland, Belfast 18-1-2007
To be truly loved, we have to allow ourselves to be open to it with a positive mind. Cutting yourself is not the answer. People do care about you. I will pray for you

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