Confession

Let Me Out!

Orchote, Male, 32, USA, Boston

I do not know if this is really a confession. More like a declaration. Maybe.

I am fairly certain I now suffer from a variety of emotional"disorders", for lack of a better term. Few things in my life has gone right, most of the time I have been around. I am 30 years old, and never really had a job. I have had several multi-year relationships that always seems to end suddenly, and without explanation, leaving me even more scared than I was when I went into them.

The few friedns I have are not close geographically in most cases. And those that are never invite me to do things, nor do they come to visit me. I have no access to anyone on any regular basis except my own mother, whom I of course have to live with, given my total lack of funds.

Everything I try to do to fix the situation(s) fails it seems. One can always mention the odds, that it is better than even money everything will eventually be ok if I just keep working at it. And work at it I do...but I cannot describe how little progress actually gets made...no matter how hard I try, my life is void of prospects, love, money, career, and for weeks at a time, human contact.

Anyone will tell you this is not a good place to be. That to be deprived of such things for an extended period of time is bound to take a psychological toll. And as I said at the start of this confession, I believe it has done that very thing for me. After all, how long can one, sane healthy individual expect to remain so, when every effort they take towards change...in ANY field of life, stalls for, literally years and years without progress.

And when progress is made, it is very temporary, and evaporates?

Indeed, my days go by pretty much the same way. Since leaving college, in fact, 90% of all of my days has gone by as follows, with the exception of the occasional PART time job I will get for a few weeks every other year or so. (The literal numbers, not an exaggeration there.)

I am a night owl. Have always been that, so often times it will bepast 2 in the morning before I even get to sleep. And that is on the nights I am calm enough to not lie awake, pondering what I have done wrong in life. (Now, and for years back going as far as I can remember. Every mistake replaying itself inmy mind.)

I will then wakeup again several hours later. I used to at least sleep until noon, and get a full 8 hours...but for the last year or so, my sleep has been even more odd than it usually is, so you can add sleep deprivation to this, I suppose.

Anyway I will wake up, as often as not, worried that some of my family is in danger..and Iwill have to contactthem to make sure all is well. When that is confirmed, I "start" my day, by checking email/Facebook, etc. Usually thereis nothing there waiting for me, andthroughout the day I will check several times an hour, hoping that someone has taken the time to contact me, even for a silly reason. So desperate is my desire for human communication sometimes.

I will research random things online for an hour or two. Often, hunting for available jobs. The two or three out of hundreds that I could possibly do, I write down, in preperation for applying to later.

Then, I will eat, with the TV on as background noise. Food Network, CNN, news, etc. After a while Iwill get restless, and spend another few hours online..sometimes looking at porn, or other fetish related things...not so much out of being horny, but needing proof I can still feel anything. But even masterbating in recent years has not worked as well as it once did....one can lose sensation, I suppose, even down there, when so many other things weigh down upon you.

Every other day or so, I will grab my empty wallet, and head out to the local, small, half closed shopping mall. And I will walk around in a circle there for an hour or two, looking at stores that are half empty, knowing by heartall of the products in the place, having been there so many times. Not really looking, just, glancing at the same old shit. But, so trapped do I start to feel every few days just sitting athome on the net, that I have to get out...and I often go to the same place.

In the last few months, I have taken up walkingthe local nature trail for an hour or so. At least that is somewhat spiritual at times...more so than a fucking mall, or book store.

I will come back home then, check my email, again, usually empty, save for spam. A few more hours on the net..perhaps more porn..or perhaps a few hours of pretending to be someone else and start chatting in the endless chatrooms...just to feel different from myself. Another persona, with different problems..at least they are not mine. I have had whole love affairs strictly online...some have moved to the phone..where for a year I essentially had an affair with a married mother...we;d masterbate while talking to each other.

But as is often the case with real life relationships, those online persons vanish, and all I am left with are the memories. And believe me, there are a lot of memories..the way it used to feel to talk to each and every one of them...the online, the phone, and the one time I met up in person with someone from the net..and recieved many blow jobs. But that was years ago.

And I think about friends I no longer talk to..who have no further use for me...going all the way back to high school...wondering how they could have so much, and I do not even have their company any longer. Every girl I knew I could have fucked, but did not. Every chance I could have taken...every party i was never invited to. Why, oh why did those people suddenly choose to hate me, and neverspeak to me again? Years amd years of that cycle??? An explanation is rarely given for why they do it..they just leave me...and i sit here, without human contact..except mother...and those that do love me, are so faraway, it's almost worse than having nobody at all sometimes...

I then wait for mother to come home. We talk, half assed, about things of the day. Her day at work..and my day, sitting, looking for work. She does not criticize, but after a time, one gets so sick of one's mother being around...and as much love as there is for her..sometime I get so sick of her shit...he babbling..her forgetting what I have toldher..her need to be a fucking martyr. I just want to be away from that sort of negativity...so she can sort out her own shit, (she is a bit of a head case sometimes too.) And so I can sort out mine. Alone. With some privacy.

And since i live with mom...all the other siblings, (4 of them) make their unnanounced visits, and bring their problems and questions to mom, andthis house, and hence to me...the house is teeming with then negative energy of all oftheir horseshit. Yet mom lets them see none of that...it is only I, on whose neck the axe comes falling...I get the shell of mom...worn out, bitter, tired, weary of the shit the world brings her...I..the very one who could use the pillar of strength she acts like with other people...because, as she never tires of reminding me..."I have been strong my whole life, and sometimes even I get to be weak, and frustrated you know!" (Ignoring the fact that the last 5 years of her life have been the "I'm so tired and weary" stage, and that it is time to shut the fuck up about it, and suck it up a bit.

It takes a toll, you know? I have not been to a shrink, but I feel certain I suffer not only from depression, but also generalized anxiety disorder...based on the symptoms I researched. Mymost recent 3 year relationship ended, without any real cause, about 3 months ago..and she never calls anymore....after three years of nightly talks/texts or emails. Alot to swallow...as isthe hopelessness and mind numbing, spirit strangling loneliness that such a situation causes. (And this is the third intense and deep, "this one is the real thing) relationship for me that has simply ended, over the last 5 years!! what the fuck is with women? They really all do seem to be walking cunts...though I was raised to believe different...women really are cunts, arn't they?

And it is that sort of view..the cunts thing..that I get immersed in sometimes...along with hopelessness, and despair. I do not wish to feel that way about women, but I am left with little choice, based on the case evidence.

And the constant fear someone is going to get killed...or hurt..just when they drive to the grocery store...

Or fear of my own health. I have a stomach ulcer, which I am sure is no surprise to you. I went to two doctors..both of whom seemed to think it was an ulcer. No medicine has knocked it out totally yet...and despite the word of two doctors that did not see any reason for concern...the constant fear that I am dying of a horrible disease takes even more of a toll on me..as I begin to note every single last minuscule sensation of discomfort my body experiences throughout the day..all somehow linked, inmy mind, to my stomach ailment, which, after several months, is not as bad as it was, by far, but still there. All, I think half the time, a sign I an slowly being pulled away from life....hypochondria I suppose can be added to the list...

I have a part time job...which of course will ending a few weeks. I have sent out a grand total of 500 some resumes since I left college..and have gotten 5 interviews...FIVE, in as many years..out of 500+ resumes. And ZERO offers...what the fuck? And so of course there is a huge gap in my resume history, which raises doubts when I do send it out, and get an interview..which probably keeps me from getting a job..which makes thegap worse, etc etc etc. The giant sucking soundyou hear are my prospects being flushed down the toilet of the world...

Yet, i do not want to feel that way...I try to be resilient...bounce back..continue trying. But when you try something year after year after year after pointless, unproductive year, it gets to you. I mean for shit's sake, even Gandhi eventually got SOMETHING done after all his suffering...can't say that I have...

So, i do not know why I cannot be loved..why I cannot make friends, why I cannot get employed, and why in hell i cannot get the hell out of this house with mother. But it has all obviously had a very adverse effect on my perspectives, my life hopes, and even my physical health now...

I am taking some St. John's wart..that jas taken the edge off of some of the hopelessness. and I continue to apply for jobs...but man what I wouldn't give to fuck that mother of three in the ass one more time....

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special, Male, 23, United Kingdom, uk

15-11-2007

you write very well.

special, Male, 23, United Kingdom, uk

15-11-2007

you write very well.

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