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Confession

my rants

ravenzz, Female, 44, USA, east tennessee

it amazes me how much alike each and every one of us can be. We all have our secrets, and we all feel soo alone in the world. No matter how much human interaction we each have in our daily lives..family, friends, or even the random stranger we each still hunger to reach out to each other. We each are ashamed about some mistake we may have made, and the thing is...everyone makes mistakes. We all screw up. Anyway..here is a confession of mine...
I have done many different drugs in my life but the one I have hated myself the most for doing was crackcocaine. I have been known to spend every dime I have in just one night
on that evil drug....I once went through over a thousand dollars in less than a week to
fuel my addiction. I hated myself the second the money was gone and so was my high. I hated myself for wanting it, and for giving in to my urge to have it. I hate my husband because he was the one who introduced it to me, and even though we have both since stopped. He has many other substance addictions as well, and if he stops with one thing he will replace it with something else. I hate myself because I love him but more than I love him, I hate him. I have been with him for 13 years, and I don't know how to let go. I still think of him as attractive, but have absolutely NO desire for him anymore, and lately I find myself remembering back to what it was once like to desire someone, and to want to be with someone all the time. never tiring of them.
I don't want to live the rest of my life without that. I hate this, ..I want something real and beautiful in my life, I want someone to just reach out and touch my face, or to let me lay my head in their lap, and to just feel wanted, and safe. And, I dont feel that way anymore...and i don't want to die without ever experiencing that feeling again...I just don't know how to let him go...and better yet, I don't think he
would ever let me go if I tried.
I also hate myself for being more afraid of succeeding than of failure, and because of that I am 31 years old and have nothing.
well,....those are just some of my confessions.
sorry...i have begun to rant


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Comments By Other Users

WalkinDude, Male, 53, United Kingdom, darlington 13-11-2007
Ravenzz , I spent 10 years as a heroin addict, I'm totally clean now. Thing is, looking back I did some pretty shitty things to people I loved but it was just what I had to do in the situation I was in. When you do drugs it's just how it is , is all. Is no point beating yourself up about it. If you wanna get clean, it's the best choice you'll ever make, if not I aint gonna knock you for that either, took me a long time and it's a tough call to make. Best wishes either way x


Nessa, Female, 46, Australia, Perth 9-11-2007
Hi, my name is Venessa and I live in Australia. When I read your confession I knew straight away I had to respond. I am happy to stay what you so badly need and desire in your life is out there and is closer than you realize. I know because it found me. Before you go forward in your life you must start loving yourself and the rest will follow. Your confession shows how brave you truely are.




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